Were Not In Berkley Anymore ....

I miss you..
but I cant say it.. ill only come up empty
its foggy right now im getting lost trying to peice things together in the dark
nothings fitting right.
why ...it lies at the end but I never get that far. seems I begin doing endless circles when the answer is probally right in front of me.
I used to be scared , but what do I have to lose now.. I dont care if it hurts
It cant be more than ive already been through.. its worth it but is it too late?
I'll have to fight to find out., ill die trying

si its like what the fuck now...im back to nothing .. starting all over again in such a fucked up world that i never wanted to  be a part of ...Im really lost as to what I even want to do ..maybe I want to do nothing but not here. I cant just sit here and wait to die anylonger .. maybe go back to school. who knows .. I didnt like my job apparently it just wasnt happening for me . I need something else. my mindset is fucked. just fucked. completelly and uterlly fucked ... all the re wiring is going to take some time now from everything I felt and believed before . I ask myself why sometimes why even sit here and write this. maybe because its all i have left now , my thoughts . my feeling and emotions are all I have. when you feel so alone I guess thats some type of security. Im real but I dont feel real inside ..I try to hurt myself to feel something ..I cant explain the blank emptyness though . even though I know it was pain it didnt feel right. I find myself so out of touch with your world now. de tached , disaciocated . lost. I want to wake up from this nightmare love and feel reality again. Once I felt so alive.
 ... "sometimes I dream that I'm alive, under the stars under the sky and I awake paralyized to another day that I cannot face. and im trying im trying to find a way out of the darkness of this tunnel at the end of the light and im dreaming forever of the day to another time where life wont be this way.

whenever the time comes if im blessed and fortunate to be granted it I hope you never stop praying for me . I think ill need it along the way and maybe thats the reason why im still here now

So I went back up there the other day.. just to visit .. spend time with friends , see my puppy..missed him a lot . I felt like I abandoned him in a way. I didnt think to much about everything I just was there . I guess it wasnt untill I actually went into my room when everything came rushing back to me . all the great times , the bad times..and the sad.. all the moments that made it so hard for me before to live there came back. I felt so much then ... ive been so dead .. so lost ..so scared so alone... on my own. I forgot how much I truly kept repressed. but it poured back into me and filled my heart up with sadness and regret .. ive missed having that so much in my live . I forgot how fucking great things felt then to me .. it was my own perfect world that no one could get in between of .. no one could touch us then . or seperate us from eachother . all I felt was love .. that love ive always felt and have. . i miss that so much.. I know it made me miserable to be there bc it was all I thought and felt but from feeling like there was a whole in my heart that went missing to deep emotion it brought me to life for the moment . almost divine .it was amazing al to feel so much again . and remember how it all felt like with clarity ... I was with you again last night ... I visited you again this morning in my dreams, wonderful..writing doesnt do justice

I can remember , those times we came together were incredible ...
not something that ill ever soon forget. I do visit you in my dreams .
 just the other night I was with you again. all i remember was talking to you..
we were having a pretty serious but nice conversation. as things lightened up we kissed ..your lips were still as soft and lovely as I had remembered them to be i felt you so close to my body and you gave me all of that juicy tongue of urs untill you had me all worked up where I couldnt control the urge to strip you down and make you mine. once we were both naked together I felt that hot urge that almost hurt i wanted you so bad, u remember how I used to tell you about that ...so wild. I couldnt tell the difference from a dream bc to me it was reality no questions asked. you even did that certain thing that I love that I couldnt yet post here to talk about .. but oh it drove me fucking crazy i felt every single bit  ..afterwards I couldnt resist but to be on top of you  . rocking eachothers world just as hard as always....you always brought the beast out of me. To be completely honest here I felt more alive than I ive been  awake. I cant explain to anyone that doesnt know what that feels like really but it was amazing to be that close to you again..

Lately ive been all over the fucking place for lack of any better terminology. its just been fucking insane. here there where? what? fuck , shit piss damn...... what am I doing. uhhh just doing it... get outside of your head matt ... no I wont brain wash myself to think differently .. you have to NO I wont be you . i dont want to be like all of you fucking sheep. money hungry fucks ...im not that materialistic. im not you. Im not fake . I wont pretend like its all fucking ok when nothing is ... give me something ..give me something thats real. I wanna feel it not choke on it ...dont force it down my throat and calll it prolemb fucking solved. you want me to die? its killing me ... Im aleardy dead im just waiting to be buried  by you.. i can feel the dirt being thrown on me already but i told you and you didnt listen I wanted fire .. you know I know everything and dont want this so why so uncomprehending and selfish. I dont want your life . I just wanna be .
love i cant think I just wanna feel not think anymore no more let me feel again
Sweetheart?

you almost forget how good it was untill it comes to you in your dreams. It funny how Ive blocked that part of oour relationship completley out. but tonight she was with me again , her lips felt so real against mine. I could feel her passion along with mine burning for me. I got that feeling that she was there with me again. it was so real i could feel myself inside her. and the overwhelming feeling of pleasure that rocked my world then. she was amazing , fucking incredible. the sex was always great. hot and heavy.and completley wild. just how she knew I liked it..
ahh I guess my mind still likes to fuck with me , but to me she was the one. the only person I ever felt like our souls meet once. that I ever felt like I became one with inside ,  just an out of body experience. but  it was so real and incredible once what I felt for her. we existed somewhere beyond time. I thought we always would. how can something so incredible and extraordinary , never to be felt with anyone else before just die. i dont think so . I still feel her inside of me sometimes. I can still feel that connection we have . at times I can feel her thinking of me.. and I wonder if im the only one then fine but if not why arnt we together now. some things take time i suppose. but ill never forget how alive she made me feel inside and that no matter what I was never completely alone in this world...

I havn't talked to anyone on here in a long time , ive been through so much the last 7 months i can harldy make sense of where all that time went... ive been depressed, suicidal, and hoplessly in love. I look back on it all and my heart still melts thinking about the moments ive shared here . ive had some of the best and worst times of my life all rolled together in an unfortunate combination that seemed to weigh itself out in the worst ways. its hard to say how worth it was it. Maybe its foolish to think that it all was but in my heart I feel it was worth every moment even though things have been so hard I just regret not taking action for my self then, being so stupid and foolish and taking what i had for granted when it meant everything inside. I was still young and its shows looking back on it all .. I didnt take responsibility for myself when the moment was right there in front of me and stood idle while life was passing me by. ive been living in a total fantasy world pretending everthing was going to be ok when nothing was ok. and the way I dealt with it was cowardly and immature , I ran from it and found my escape ..  I never imgained my life to ever end up this way since living here. Ill never fully ever be able to forgive myself for the choices ive made its too late now but ive learned from it all and im done running I accept it for what it is but in regret now but i understand and see it and I cant deny it anymore or lie to myself. I know ill truly never be the same , how could I be . I just got to get out of here now so I can start my life over and start really being able to work at something for myself. theres too many memories and flashbacks that hurt everywhere I look , just being home here is hell and I cant moved foward without moving on from this place anymore I really just cant do it . I want the change  so im slowly turning away now and trying not to look back over my shoulder even though id like to find familar eyes looking back at me saying till the very end ..for forever and then some.. that love never died
but
Im doing what I should of been doing a long time ago now though ...keeping my promise ..